23 Thanksgiving Thanks
Hi World! And Happy Thanksgiving! But, there’s this really annoy thing on facebook that seemingly all of my friends have been doing where for the 23 days leading up to Thanksgiving you talk about what you’re thankful for, and brag about how fabulous your life is in these posts. For example, this might be my facebook thankful post:
“Day 12. Today I’m thanksful for my naturally long eyelashes, and Mabeline The Falsies collection mascara. Without it, I couldn’t bat my eyes lovingly at people. I’m also thankful my job has a dental plan that’s allowed me to keep all my fabulously in line teeth.”
……. You get the idea. Anyways, less self centered though my friends posts may be, I decided to blog about 23 things I’m thankful for because I get so stuffed with food that I can’t move.
23. I am thankful that Michael Jackson is finally gone.
22. I am thankful that my mom was smart enough to get me braces…twice. Because my teeth were fucked up, yo! And now, as an adult, I know people who have really crooked teeth, and it looks like shit.
21. I am thankful that I am not overweight.
20. I am thankful that there is wine.
19. I am thankful for Taylor Lautners muscles. I am not thankful that I don’t get to touch them. (Hey, this one is universal, I am pretty sure.)
….and, for your viewing pleasure…..
this picture is so hot it doesn't need a caption
15. It’s only 15 and I am already running out of things to be thankful for.
13. I am thankful for annoying Thanksgiving posts to be over.
12. I am thankful for hipsters wearing their annoying skinny boy pants with non matching shirts so I can more easily identify who I should be avoiding in a crowd.
11. I am thankful for no longer having to take public transportation to school and back.
10. In that same vein, I am definitely thankful for my car, whom I love and adore and care for religiously. And for it still running just great after all these faithful years. You rock my shits- Jimmy. I love you.
9.I am thankful for places like Arizona. Where there is no rain. I am definitely not thankful for rain.
2. I am thankful for the ability on facebook to block people without deleteing them as friends.
1. Lastly, I’m thankful that I’m awesome.
Trolls, Drool, and other Paranormal Activity.
Have you ever joined a dating website? No seriously, here me out here… You sign up with the best of intentions and think things are going to work out for you, but then you realize why people join dating websites, and you get the fuck out there as fast as possible. Sure, there’s some real winners (yeah the fuck right), some real lookers, and some losers. Usually, they all fall into one of the following categories. (Please, allow me to make a list for you, loyal blog readership. Whom I’m pretty sure ArmyWife-Style and my mom. I dont know, Disgruntled, do you read this shit too?)
1. The “You’re so Amazing Your Profile Cannot Possibly Be Real” Guy.
The title says it all. He’s not. He cut some awesomely hot picture out of a magazine and called it his own. Sure he chose some obsure soccer player from Spain, and told you all about how he lives on a 175 foot yacht off the coast of Central America, also, he’s a part time pilot for Air Force One, and did I mention he’s sensitive, loves his mother, can cook like nobody’s business, and he adopts local kittens that need a home? He IS Mr. Perfect. But he’s also Mr. Not Real. In reality, Fabritzio is actually Ted, an unemployed, lard ass who enjoys scary movies, the ocassional salad to fill his “veggie” quota, endless video game chat rooms, and checking out people’s address on Google Earth. Not worth your time, ladies, not worth your time.
2. The “What’s up” Dude.
No, seriously, what’s up, dude? This guy couldn’t tell his weiner from a hole in the ground, and can’t think of anything clever or meaningful to say, so he resorts to “What’s up?” Tragically, born without a personality, other variations of this introduction include “Hi.” or “Hi. How are you?” Or the best I have seen yet, “Hey. What is up with you?” (Probably for its dynamic use of all the words incorporated into once sentence.) Anyways, this guy is also waste of your time ladies. And personally, more worthless than any other others on this list. He’s obviously incapable of starting a meaninful and thoughtful conversation with someone, so what do you think he’s going tobe like on the first date? I know! *Ding, Ding, Ding* it might go something like this:
Woman: “Hi, it’s so lovely to meet you this evening, thanks for taking me to, ahem, Buds Beer and Sports Bar. I really like the mellow atmosphere. Do you come here often?”
Dude: “yeah, like every night with my drinkin’ buddies. So, what’s up?”
Woman: “Not much, just here… on a date…with you.”
Dude: “Yeah, for sure. Anything going on?”
And the saga will continue….
Ladies- drink your drink and get the fuck out. I’m sure you’ve found yourself on a date with this type before. Best just to chalk it up to a lose and go back to the drawing board. Dude.
3. The “I’m Rich, Old, and Fantastically Old.”
This guy… oh man, this guy… Where do I start? This guy, he is educated, intelligent, probably does actually own the yacht the other guy said he did. But he’s old. Just. So. Old. Forget about being his children’s age, you’d be lucky to be associated as his grandchild. But, I’ll give it to this guy, though he is not cup of tea, he certainly has his place in the dating world. There are plenty of kittens (cougars in training, that’s what I am) that love the old saggy ballsacks like this. Keep it coming old guy! For as long as you’re willing to spend money on booze, clothes, new cars, and tits for these young ladies, they’ll be willing to put out.
4. The “I’m really into working out/extreme sports” guy.
You got it all. HE’S REALLY INTO ANYTHING HE DOES, WHETHER THAT BE HUNTING, FISHING, BASEBALL, SNOWBOARDING, SURFING, SKATING, JIZZING IN MY PANTS, WORKING OUT UNTIL MY VEINS POP OUT OF MY HEAD, MASTURBARING WEIRDO guy. Maybe not as weird as his profile might make him off to be, but still, my advice, test the water with your big toe before you go swimming. Some warning signs might be if all his pictures include a beanie and snowboard in the background, or if he liberally uses the word “brah” in his profile. These guys are hardcore ladies, they eat, breathe and piss their sport of choice. Do you want to play second fiddle to a Bass fish or Burton snowboard? I didn’t think so.
5.The “Don’t Talk to Me Like You’re Talking to me Right Now” Guy.
Okay, that quote technically came from Snooki on Jersey Shore, but it’s still funny and still sums up these fags. Tan? Check. Muscles that are grossely over tanned? Check. They like their girls drinks like they like their hair- spiked as fuck. Get away, and get away fast. if I have to explain more, you deserve one of these assholes.
That’s about all I got right now. But seriously ladies, it’s not the end of the world, and you might find someone with a lot of looking. I didn’t, so I’m just going to continue to make fun of them.
I'm sorry Sir, were you trying to touch my penis?
The Art of the Pee- Pee Test.
What the hell is with the E.P.T. instructional insert? I’m going to do a breakdown of the insert that comes on the inside of pregnancy test boxes. I am actually offended reading some of this.
Step 1. Remove the Test Stick [from the wrapper]
My interpretation: Thanks jackass, who wrote the manual (it must have been a man) you have just assumed that I do not understand the stick is inside the wrapper. But what you failed to understand about me, the user of this pee pee stick, is that if I am testing my pee pee to indeed see if I am pregnant, I am late on my period. What does this mean? It means I’m quite certain I understand how to take a stick out of a wrapper, since I do it all the time with tampons. Duh.
Step 2. Remove the cap [of the stick, after it's out of the wrapper. Don't try to take it off the stick while it's still in the wrapper, fool.]
Step 3. Take the Test. [Simple enough. Or so I would think, but not for a dumb ass like you who can't even manage to unwrap a tampon.]
The first written words under the Step 3 instruction are, “Do not insert the test stick into your vagina!” Wow! It’s sure a good thing you clarified that for me Mr. Pamphlet Writer. I assumed the stick keeps you from getting pregnant by being used as a blockade of some-sort, thereby preventing the baby from ever seeing the light of day. It goes on to instruct to “Never hold the test stick upright, as it will effect the test results.” Don’t worry- I’m going to keep the pee pee end of that stick as far away from me as possible, there will be no upright holding here.
Step 4. Test Processing. I can’t really make fun of this, because it’s really simple.
Step 5. See your result! [Your life is either over, or just beginning depending on who you are.]
This is the worst step because this is the step where you realize you are stuck with a child the rest of your life. Or it could be the best step, and you take the biggest sigh of relief ever- because you realize his little swimmers just were not strong enough to make it. The only downside to step 5 that I see is that they make you wait something like three whole minutes for your result. Three minutes? That’s an outrage. Three minutes is barely short enough for me to get back to the TV in time to see what is happening on Lost after commercial break. Can’t we invent a test that tells you in, say, 15 seconds? After I am done doing my thing in the bathroom, I really don’t feel the need to linger longer than 15 seconds anyways. I totally think that’s sufficient time enough. Last but not least, three minutes is like three minutes in a latrine hell when you’re waiting to see if you’re life is over. Or just begining, as it were…
Authors Note: I’m not pregnant, I just thought this would make for a funny blog.
PS: I don’t like ugly babies. Like this one:
OOOOOOH, Mommy, that's just yucky!!!!
Do you really need a picture of that?
Last night I did what any sane minded person does on Halloween weekend – I went out and had a good time. But, between the shots of booze, sloppy dancing and men in funny, too tight costumes, one thing struck me as being annoying, but an ever more present habit in our society. Picture taking.
Pictures used to be something that were treasured and a rare treat for people. A person might have only one or two opportunties in their short, dysentary infected lives to have a picture taken. Shit, before that, you had to find someone who could paint and pose for hours on end to get some semblence of a picture. My point is, as camera’s have evolved pictures became more common, but there is still a time and place. Like Graduation Day, Baby’s First Steps, or Christmas Morning when Dad shot that deer through the window and mom threw egg nog in his face for breaking glass where the kids play. Those are the moments that camera’s should be brought out for.
Last night I went out and had a great time, mostly because of the booze, but what I found is that the people I was with were documenting everything with their cell phones. Since when did my sweaty, costumed up ass become something that needed to be documented in picture, after picture…after picture? There are only so many grainy shitty quality and horribly lit pictures of me one can upload to facebook and tag before it just gets old. Quite frankly I personally don’t want my exploits out there for the entire world to know. I prefer spying on other’s exploits instead…
Word to wise here, quit taking fucking pictures of everything! I promise you’ll remember the night in the morning, and it’s not like you were going to win an award for amazing photography… your drunk ass can’t even get your finger out of the way of the flash.
I should note, this isn’t just a habit that I noticed with my friends, its like taking over the world….
See examples below:
- This is really impressive. A real Ansel Adams.
Maybe I should be a Lumberjack.
It’s no secret that I have been unemployed for a couple weeks…errr, months now. I have been looking high and low in between thinking about things to blog about, and am still unable to secure employment anywhere. Mostly, I just don’t hear back. Or if I do, the job has already been filled. Sometimes I get an interview. I recently had an interview in which I asked the hiring manager if parking was paid for, or otherwise subsidized by the company. (This was after the initial interview, and on a phone invite to a second interview) she said, “Not with this position (which I assume means she gets her parking paid for, but us low-level coordinators can flintstone our ass to work for all she cares) and frankly, I don’t think this is going to be a good fit.” That was it. No goodbye, no thanks-but-no-thanks. It was as simple as that. I always thought its better to ask and hear no, then never ask at all, so many missed opportunities are created by not evening asking. But apparently in this job market if you’re not willing to bend over and take it in the poop shooter you’re not going to get anywhere. Why are employers walking all over employees now!? (I realize the fundamental reasons of why, don’t get me wrong, it’s a buyers market right now and they can pretty much name their price when trying to buy you. If you don’t like it, you don’t get to pass go, and you definitely don’t get to collect $200. That is, if they are even offering that much.)
All that being said, on a moral level, of which we know mine are very low, this still seems wrong. The bottom line is that employers have become quite brutal in the interview process and really expect the world from employees. For the most part, as a potential candidate I try very hard, professional, personable, I’m pretty (yeah, I am. I’m not going to lie. I’m no Natalie Portman but I think I can get the job done when it comes to looking good and acting within reason.) I can laugh at the stupid jokes, and say all the right things, but it’s me against several other people who are all trying their very hardest too.
I’ve decided that in order to up your odds of getting a job one should treat the interview as a first date. And the official job offer as a marriage proposal. There are several unspoken rules one should engage in before, during, and after the interview process. I’m going to name them here, so don’t worry about buying this idiots book for $14.99 it’s a waste of money. And postage. (And he looks dorky, too. Why should I be confident he’ll be a great asset to my job hunt?) If I am taking advice from someone about getting hired and putting my interview skills into their hands and words of advice they better look like George Clooney, or Bear Grylls. A man who knows how to get things done.)
Tips:
Showering. So important. One can never over-estimate the power of smell, and when money is involved it enviably becomes more heightened. Along with this, make sure to brush your teeth, shave (unless you are applying for a position as a lumberjack, then shaving makes you look like a tool.) Do everything you would do to prepare for a first date. Including the breath mint please.
A good, firm, handshake, but not too firm. The last thing you want is some gorilla grip squeezing the nail polish right off your fingertips. I’ve had it go both ways before. Both embarrassing and time-consuming a bad handshake can ruin the interview before it even gets started. I used to work for the worst Credit Union in the world and the CEO’s handshake was so limp and lame I thought he was either a four-year old princess in disguse or recently had his fingers amputated and fake ones inserted into the same spots. Likewise, I’ve also had a bone crushing handshake that made me scared to work for a man before. Can you imagine how he pets his dog or cat? I feel bad for his toothbrush, too.
Express your job loyalty, even though your resume might reflect that you have career jumped a bit. Don’t go overboard and suggest that you’ll show your loyalty to the company by getting their corporate logo tattooed on your forehead but stress to them how you’re looking to start a career. If it’s not a good match, jump ship in six months and say the same thing again.
Always be polite. Even if they have been rude. Nothing says more about a person’s character than how they treat other people in less than optimal situations. But nothing says more about a person’s backbone than telling the interviewer, in a polite way, that they are being rude. You might not get the job, but didn’t it feel good telling someone what an asshole they were?! 
Never, ever under any circumstances talk first when discussing salary and a definite amount. Even discussing ranges is not okay. If they bring it up, that’s great, see what you can get. Any skilled negotiator knows that the first person to talk amounts is the one who gets screwed. The same goes for buying a car. You’re not dumb so don’t let them get the better of you. It’s like that romantic dance at the end of your first date, keep up the good work, lest your toes get stepped on. And if it’s the Gorilla doing the dancing with you his monkey feet might really hurt.
Accepting the job offer can be the most difficult part, you may have loose ends you want to clear up before actually working, or “getting married” (booze breaks, looking at porn O.K. to do?, which person’s cubical stinks the most because they never remove their lunches from the bottom drawer etc.) While all good questions make sure you approach them softly and appropriately. Most importantly establish the fact that you will get time off within the first year. Many employers say you are not allowed any time off the first year and then you can have your vacation. But that’s not right to do- you are essentially loaning them your work, intellectual property, etc for a year without any benefit. See? Not fair, is it? Can you imagine a marriage in which the man said, “Wife, I am going to make you do laundry, cook and clean every day for the first year. At the end of the first year I will take you out to dinner one night to make you feel special, and then you go back to cooking, cleaning and the like.” Actually, that is most marriages so maybe this point isn’t so good.
With any luck we’ll all be well on our way to working in a shitty office environment where we all hate our jobs. Except for you, Lumberjack man!
Rachel Zoe Looks Like She Just Smelled Shit…
IN EVERY SINGLE PICTURE THIS WOMAN HAS EVER BEEN IN.
Examples
"I could DIE, what is that smell?"
"Oh MEE GOD. It's SHIT. I Smell Shit."
"Did you just shit, while you were taking a picture of me?"
"I shit so much I only have bones left... BUT it still smells like shit."
Seriously!? Am I the only one who thinks this way? Doubtful.
This repugnent woman is now pregnant, too. That’s right, preggers ya’ll. She’s going to breed hateful demon spawn that looks like they smell shit into the world forever!!! Her and her lame ass husband.
Why is every girl on The Bachelor so desperate?
To be fair, this is the first season (and likely the only season) of ABC’s The Bachelor I have started watching from beginning and intend to finish. That being said, I have to imagine that given the shows success and popularity the girls always act like ultra desperate, Barbie doll twats on each season.
To begin, here’s the Bachelor:
Sure, he’s an attractive guy, if the piercing blue-ray eyes and awful eyebrows don’t turn you off. One can always admire his rock hard six packs and lumbering, tanned, Adonis frame… But one can also do that from afar. Not on a reality show. The breakdown of what happens on this show is so ridiculous I would be a fool not to make fun of these girls.
Ladies and Gentleman, Introducing “How to be a Girl on The Bachelor”
Step 1: Get out of the limo as a single part of the thirty woman entourage that will now claw and scratch their way to the top of the totem pole otherwise known as Brad’s Dic…er, Pole.
Step 2: Even though it has only been a mere three hours since you first saw your hunky bachelor game show contestant you must speak into the “truth cameras” and tell the audience members how much you can already picture yourself falling in love with Brad, the children you will have, and how stupid he would be to not pick you, because you know you are better for him than every other girl here.
Step 3: The first elimination rounds are over. The only thing that stands between you and your heavily eyebrowed man is 17 other high-heeled wearing, perfume sweatin’ broads and you’re sure as shit not going to let them win!
Step 4: During group dates, (as if you are lucky enough to get a private date!), make sure you grab Brad numerous times to “steal him” away from the crowd. Once stolen to your spot of choice tell him that “He needs to make you feel more special, because with all his attention going towards 36 boobs bouncing around in a pool, you don’t feel that you have that certain connection anymore. “ (FYI, I’m sure he loves hearing you whine!) Then plant a big one on him. Like real big, so all the other girls will get jealous and then kiss him too. We all love oral herpes, don’t we? (Another question, are these girls screened for STD’s before coming onto the show? Something about making out with 17 sets of lips over the course of three days sort of gives me a creeps.)
Step 5: Before the “Rose Ceremony” Make sure to make a scene, by crying, stumbling, waking up with a black eye, or otherwise to get more attention from Brad. He’ll remember you better that way. The worst thing a woman on the Bachelor can do is be left at the back of the pack. If he doesn’t remember you, he’s not going to call your name out at the Rose Ceremony. Can you imagine? “Yes, uhmm.. the girl in the black dress. No, the black dress to the left of you Red Dress, yes, J00! Will you accept this rose?” Yeah. Somehow I don’t see that one happening.
"Pick me, Pick me!!"
Step 6: If your name happens to be called you are safe from that week’s elimination. You can now repeat steps 2-5 for the following week.
Personally, though I don’t know how this season will pan out, and furthermore wonder why I care even more so, the best girl for him would have been Madison. A hot blonde woman who had fake Vampire teeth. (You know why I like Vampire teeth? Because not only do I have a set as well, which I wear near constantly during the Halloween season, but also because I really like the Underworld movies.) She left the show because she realized that she was there because “wanted to fall in love.” But that other, more desperate and less attractive girls were there because “They need to fall in love.” Good move in my book, Madison. You get down with your dark, mysterious self. Madison, call me, we should be friends.
In closing, every girl on the Bachelor is desperate because THEY ARE ON THE SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE. They don’t magically get on the show, then become some whining, desperate dirt bag. They have been callous, annoying, sometimes frightening women since they day they were born. Why else would an otherwise very attractive and successful woman be on this show? For the chance to marry a hot hunk? Uhmm, I’m pretty sure you can go to the Thunder from Down Under show in Vegas and find one there if you needed to. No, they go on this show, and continue to go on this show because it’s a final act of desperation in an otherwise unexciting life. These woman have been turned down by every other guy, so they turn to the last true God of American Society. Reality TV. Can you blame them? Bret Michaels, Flava Flav, Jeff Probst, among a long line of many others have done it. And they are all the better for it in my opinion. (Except you, Richard Hatch. You won the first season of Survivor and were naked the entire time!? WTF?)
So with that, Rock on Bachelor Girls. And go get that Brad dude!
Things To Do On FUNemployment
Unemployment has taught me a lot about life, and how much even though working sucks, not working sucks even more. I’m not some typical unemployed pregnant, barefoot mother of 14 like this woman:
"Nom Nom Nom. I just ate the 4th one!"
I had a real job, and paid my taxes. I went to school, got good grades, graduated with a real degree in a real area. (Not some bullshit degree like Arts and Letters. Come on graduates, if you are going to major in “General College Studies” I suggest you go back to working at McDonald’s for your high school wages. ) But, the economy can suck it– because the economy screwed me over. I’m getting edged out on real jobs by people with a couple more years of experience than me. And I’m way to qualified for a lower level job that I’d gladly take, given the opportunity to interview. There is nothing, I’m stuck in the middle just trying to get my name out there. Here are some things you can do while on unemployment.
1. Pump yourself up for checking craigslist job postings thousands of times per day by crying over your Bachelors Degree.
2. On a related note: It always feel so nice to pay your student loan payments with the remaining balance of your unemployment checks.
3. Check your facebook…a lot. Often a time waster at work, it’s now become the ONLY time waster I have to add a bit of spice and variety in an otherwise demoralizing and unnaturally lame day. This means you must update your status every hour, on the hour and tell people what cool things you are up to since you have nothing but endless time on your hands. (Of course they will all be lies but no one is going to know you didn’t actually go on a crocodile expedition.)
4. Invest in makeup. Nothing makes an otherwise worthless member of society feel better than getting hit on and complimented when she goes out to grocery shop. (Guys I have no advice for you here. If you are not receiving compliments based on your looks from females I suggest taking a good long hard look in the mirror, and also ask yourself why you are not hearing back on jobs.)
5. Shower once a week, whether you need it or not. It’s not like you have a job, so really, who cares about bathing? I’ll tell you who cares, your roommates, spouse, family pets, and the neighbors. So make it a habit. Even though we all know you technically “don’t need to.”
6. Become familiar with all types of wines and drinking wines. “Why wine?” You ask? Wine because it’s much easier to pass off as socially acceptable than, say, Whiskey or that blue stuff black people drink. For instance, since you’ll be drinking a lot more now on unemployment a casual conversation can start something like this:
R – “What did you do this afternoon? I just watched reruns of Law and Order. Only SVU though. I hate Criminal Intent.”
M – “I folded my laundry, while drinking wine.”
R – ‘That’s sounds lovely. What varietal was it?”
M – “A sweet Riesling I picked up on sales at Trader Joes.”
R – “What a sophisticated unemployed afternoon you had.”
M – “Thanks.”
Now, take a moment and think of how differently that could have gone down should M have answered the questions with whiskey instead. Excerpt below:
R – “What did you do this afternoon? I just watched reruns of Law and Order. Only SVU though. I hate Criminal Intent.”
M – “I folded my laundry, while drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.”
R – ” M, that’s the third time this week. I think we need to have intervention.”
M – “But it’s the only way to get through the day without wanting to kill myself, whiskey takes away the blues.”
R – ” I’m coming over. This isn’t okay. We’re getting you help.”
M – ” No Thanks.”
See. Vastly different. It’s a lot harder to look like a hardcore alcoholic if you are drinking wine. So learn to love it.
7. Improve your resume with lies. Examples below:
“Able to multitask.” means “I get bored easily so switch from one job task to another while never actually completing either.”
“Dependable.” means “I have a car. But don’t expect me to use it for company business without getting paid for it.”
“I work well as member of a team” mean “I don’t like doing actual work so I work in teams as to manipulate the boss into thinking I’m doing actual work, but piss off every member of the team because they have to pull my extra weight.”
“Great communicator” means “I can bullshit like no other, without actually ever saying anything pertinent.”
“Computer Savvy” means “I will look at facebook all day long at work.”
“Charismatic” means “I talk a big talk, but do nothing in action.”
“Creative Person” means “I make shit up.”
and the list goes on and on… Just remember when sprucing up your resume to include a few real facts and values about yourself, and expand on the other, less important “facts” as filler. You’ll do great. Big words get you very far in the resume world, remember that.
8. Get dressed up in your best business suit, and pretend to be interested in buying a car. (Don’t actually buy the car, we’re not trying to more in debt here!) It will drive the sales people crazysince they want that sale, and it will make you feel good to pretend to be important enough to buy a car.
That’s all for now. Just remember folks, the job industry is like a Mortal Kombat video game. It’s not what moves you know, it’s about how many keys you can mash together in random order to jump around kick the other guy. No one cares if you can do a special power move 15 times in a row. If I body slam you, then kick your face in and punch your crotch by pressing random buttons on the controller and win, I still won. Even if I didn’t know how to play the game.
Good luck out there!
Want to live Forever? Be a Talk Show Host.
Regis Philbin is retiring after this year from television and hosting. I am going to miss that old guy! Not only is he funny, but he’s got a great presence on stage, and I think overall, for being an old man, he’s kept up in the world of actors and actresses pretty darn well. Not to mention he’s got a great co-host, the fabulous Kelly Rippa.
Upon his announcement that he’s retiring, it got me thinking all TV hosts that have been well liked and popular among the public have always lived a long time. Johnny Carson, Bob Hope, to name a few. So I think if you want to live a long time, you should host your own TV show. (It doesn’t have to be your own show of your creation, but you know what I mean. Or you could always pull a Jay Leno and steal a show right out from under someone, too. Personally I think it’s Judge Judy’s time to step off the high horse, but I am not sure the laws of long live apply to court show judges. Only talk show hosts.)
Anyways Reg, it’s been a great watching you on day time TV basically all my life. Later on, when you went on to host the “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Show you further crept into my life by also exploiting night-time television. I give you mad props. And you are going to be missed.
Work it Regis, flex those GUNS!
Can Zombies please be real? Please. Please!!!
Here are the top five people I would behead if they were turned into zombies during the coming apoc:
1. Dick Cheney
(He might actually be the true first zombie. Jury is still out on this one though.)
2. Ryan Seacrest.
(He’d just be so easy to catch and behead.)
3. Lindsay from my 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade years. (No particular reason except that you reap what you sow, and in this particular scenario I win.)
4. Rush Limbaugh.
(He is so totally annoying. I bet he spews bullshit in zombie form, too.)
5. Bruce Campbell, (because how funny would that be?! Related Note: I don’t want my hero to actually be turned into a zombie, but in the event it happened, oh yeah. He’s going down.)
My friend Brittany recently asked me some questions about the coming zombie apoc, and questions about zombies in general. I don’t have all the answers, but I am going to do my best to try to answer them.
Do they eat the person? Or just bit them a few times until they are dead? While I would image each zombie is different in their preference and taste for particular people, zombies are known to eat the person alive. By chance, if you should survive the initial bite, and are rescued by your fellow survivors, you’ll suffer an immense amount of pain, fever, bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse, whereby you’ll eventually die. You can be dead anywhere from a few moments to a day or more, and then you’ll wake up, and be a zombie. It’s best that if you have been bitten to end your own life, thereby saving the trouble of the group as a whole. Killing a person who will become a zombie but is still very much human is harder than killing you once you are already in zombie form. “Then why not wait until I’m in zombie form, then kill me, fellow survivors?” You ask? Because at that point you have already mutated and more of a threat.
Do they just decay and decay until there is nothing left?
Because what seems to happen is someone gets bit, and within a few hours they look like someone dug them out of the ground. And I’ve noticed that some are further decayed than the others, but I have never seen an almost nothing zombie. Very solid question Brittany. And one that Resident Evil: Extinction attempted to answer. While there remains no definitive proof of a zombie eventually decaying into nothing, I would venture to guess that at some point the zombie would eventually rot to the point of not being able to function in its normal zombie state. That being said, don’t go poking around the rotting zombie, just leave it alone. Why risk contact?
Then why are their skulls still intact?
I feel they would either have to saw off the top, which lets face it, zombies aren’t that smart. Or they would have to mallet their skull in. I have no idea what you mean by this question.
Then ingesting brains in some movies make you gain special powers or become smarter. Wouldnt this happen to the zombies? Perhaps in movies where the person eating the brains isn’t dead, like Hannibal. But zombies are dead. no heart beat. The only thing active is the part of the brain telling the muscles to move and of course the need for flesh. I would imagine the most authoritative figure on this would be members of the ill-fated Donner Party. They probably ate brains of their family members. And they definitely were not zombies. I wonder if they got smarter?
Then why don’t they die from starvation after almost everyone is already a zombie? Much like your question about an almost nothing zombie, this cannot happen. They are not starving, because they are not people, in the sense of us being people. They do not breathe, piss or poop. They crave flesh and the only part of the body that works is the reanimated brain telling the zombie to walk with arms extended (or run, depending on which type of zombie apoc you find yourself in) horde together, and consume human flesh. But if they went months without flesh they would not “die.” They are already dead.
Well my dearest Brittany I hope that has helped to answer some of your burning zombie questions. If you have any others please let me know. I’m here to help!
Writing this blog has inspired me to write a few questions of my own perhaps another blogger would like to answer.
1. Would a vegan zombie want flesh in the zombie state? I’m inclined to say yes. Lifestyle before death has no bearing on flesh consumption and craving afterwards.
2. I am convinced Dick Cheney is really a zombie. Is anyone else?
3. If I was charged with helping to repopulate the earth and my breeding partner was Spencer Pratt, would I rather be a zombie? Probably.
Cats are definitely zombies in little furry bodies.
